Omgaan met rouw, verdriet en pijn van de ander. - engels -

(I started writing this when Mom died. During Lily's memorial, I wished some folks had read it. I do not consider this list the be-all, end-all... so, if you have additional suggestions, feel free to mention them in the comments.)

It's okay if you don't know what to say when someone close to you loses someone close to them.
DO say something.
You can e-mail, snail mail, or just say in person, "I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry."

It's that simple.
Please do that.
It truly is enough.

***

DO share memories.

If you have a story about something the deceased said or did that means something special to you, please tell it. You can share this at the funeral, in a card, or in passing several days/weeks/years later. Some members of the family may have never known about that side of their loved one. They will certainly appreciate that their loved one touched your life.

If you have photos, give them. A photocopy on a piece of plain paper is fine.

***

DO NOT post anything on Facebook unless it is in response to something immediate family has posted.
DO NOT initiate any post on your own.
It is not your place to spread that kind of news on that venue. Ever.

***

DO NOT try to make the bereaved feel better.
DO NOT say, "S/He isn't suffering anymore," or "S/He is in heaven."
These things are okay for the bereaved to say. They are not okay for you to say them.

Say you are sorry. Then shut up.
If you get halfway through saying the wrong thing, just stop. No one will ask you to finish.

***

DO NOT compare your pain.

Imagine you and I are downhill skiing. We both crash. You have broken a leg.
As we lie in pain on the snowy hillside waiting for rescue, I say to you, "Quit crying. I have two broken legs."
Does it make the pain in your one leg go away? Can you now carry us both down the hill because your pain is less than mine?
No.

Pain is pain.
Even if yours is worse than mine, I still hurt.

DO NOT share what awful tragedy someone else is experiencing. It will not help.
This is neither the time nor place. Suck it up, and keep it to yourself.

***

DO bring food. Bring whatever you are really good at making.
Bring a reasonable amount.

In the case of an elderly widow/er, DO NOT bring a giant casserole that can be eaten over several days. Instead, bring individual servings in reheatable containers that can be frozen and chosen one meal at a time.
Even better, package it in disposable containers that do not need to be washed and returned to you.

People brought Dad food, and he ended up giving it away. It felt like too much.
So, when I made my dad two loaves of banana bread, my sister suggested I slice it all up right away and put pairs of slices in the freezer. A much more managable serving size, you see. He won't look at a whole loaf and think how he'll never be able to eat "all that" by himself.

DO NOT bring a dish because it was the deceased person's "favorite".
We'll sit there thinking how that person won't get to eat any of it.

***

DO NOT buy or make a special token to commemorate the lost loved one.

Dear sweet lord, people. Do you have any idea how many possessions dead people leave behind? Everything is a souvenir. Please don't make me a butterfly, or an angel, or a paper flower...
It's a lovely gesture, yes, but it's just one more thing we have to deal with, and one more thing we'll hate to throw out..
If it makes you feel better, you keep it. With our love.

***

DO offer to help in anyway, if you can.

DO NOT expect the family to call you and tell you what they need.
Instead, think of a few things you could do.
Drive the kids to events, to school. Cook a meal. Wash windows. Shovel snow. Organize a photo album or a closet. Make a run to the store or pharmacy.
Then, call in a day or two and offer to do that thing.

***

My jury is out on the issue of taking photos at a funeral.
For now, I'm gonna say this is something the immediate family can do but you DO NOT.

Really.
Someone lined up my family at Mom's funeral to get a picture.
Know what *I* see in that picture?
Mom is missing, that's what.
"Here. Enjoy this picture reminding you that your mother will never, ever be in another family photo."

No, my jury is back.
They definitely say DO NOT take photos at a funeral, or a visitation, or the dinner afterwards, or while the family is writing out thank you notes.

***
Thank you for reading.
It shows you care about people.





With love, from Rosesat7:00 AM9 Say Thbbbt!

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